Only read this if the kids are still in bed

Put the phone down.

It's the Fourth of July. If there's a kid awake in your house or a spouse looking for you, this email is not the priority. Go flip a burger. Go find a lawn chair. This will still be here tonight when everyone's asleep and you're picking sparkler wrappers out of the grass.

But if the house is still quiet and the coffee's still hot, pull up a chair. We put together something worth reading.

Today the Local Board goes full 1995. Real local businesses mixed in with ads that could've run in a Hillsborough County classifieds section thirty years ago. Some are real. Some are gags. The real ones are worth your money. The fake ones are worth a laugh. Your job is to tell them apart.

Let's go.

FOR SALE

NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. Works great. One controller (dog ate the other). Comes with Duck Hunt but no gun, so it's really just Duck Watch now. Selling because we're upgrading to a Sega Genesis. Moving up in the world. $45 firm.
📞 813-555-0171

REAL -- FOOD

STONER'S PIZZA JOINT, Bloomingdale. It's the Fourth and you need to feed people. Thin crust is the move. Buffalo chicken is the specific move. And the half-baked cookies will end you. Allison and Kevin are open today. Call ahead, grab it on the way to the cookout, take all the credit.
stonerspizza.app | 813-436-0016

REAL -- HOME & PROPERTY

ROOF REJUVENATE SH. Your roof is older than it looks and the Florida sun is not being kind. Roof Rejuvenate SH extends roof life 5 to 15 years without a full replacement. Three treatments, 5-year warranty each. Ask for Jeff. Deal with it before storm season does it for you.
roofrejuvenatesh.com | 813-652-2777

FOR SALE

COVER UP THOSE UGLY HARDWOOD FLOORS. Beautiful linoleum installed right over top. Patterns available: Harvest Gold, Avocado, and one we're calling "Mustard Incident." Wall-to-wall carpet in the bathroom also available. Why not? It's the nineties.
📞 813-555-0184

REAL -- PROFESSIONAL

GLAROS LAW. Steve Glaros shows up for this community the way he shows up for clients. All in. Whether it's an accident, an injury, or a legal mess you didn't see coming, he's the local attorney who actually picks up. Not a call center. Not a billboard. Steve.
glaroslaw.com | 813-854-1234

REAL -- FAMILY

ACTION KARATE, River Hills Plaza. Hard deadline: this offer ends July 15. Two full weeks of classes plus a free uniform for $29, normally $108. Ages 3 and up, no contracts, no risk. 54 five-star reviews from local families. Mr. K builds confidence, not just kicks. If your kid has been melting into the couch since school let out, this is the move.
actionkarate.net | 813-535-4191

FOR SALE

WATERBED. King size. Sloshes when you breathe. Selling because my back is 40 now and this thing is trying to end me. Heater works. Mostly. You will need four friends and a pump to move it. You will lose two of those friends.
📞 813-555-0192

REAL -- FOOD & NIGHTLIFE

BLVD SUPPER CLUB. Don't let the name fool you. Pizza, burgers, and cocktails worth leaving the house for. Works for a post-fireworks dinner just as well as any other night. No occasion required, no jacket needed.
blvdsupperclub.com | 813-657-5700

REAL -- HOME & PROPERTY

INTEGRITY SEAWALLS. Hurricane season doesn't observe federal holidays. Seawalls, docks, boat lifts, boardwalks. Free estimates, upfront pricing, Apollo Beach to Bradenton. If yours has been on the list all summer, Henry Spoly can help. Call him Monday.
integrityseawalls.com | 813-535-1634

FOR SALE

TAMAGOTCHI. Free to a home that understands responsibility. It has needs. It beeps at 3am. It has outlived two goldfish, a hamster, and my patience. Please. Take it.
📞 813-555-0155

REAL -- TRAVEL

JOURNEYS BY JESS. Booking your own trip is a mistake and you know it. Jessica Kinkead is a travel advisor whose services cost you nothing. She gets paid by the travel companies, not you. Better vacation, better prices, zero stress. Join her free Facebook group and stop planning your own cruises.
Join the group

REAL -- SERVICES

TRINITY JUNK REMOVAL. Family in town and the garage looks like a disaster zone? Call Alberto. Great guy, great family, fast turnaround. Furniture, debris, years of stuff you've been meaning to deal with. Gone.
trinityjunkremovalinc.net | 813-426-9257

FOR SALE

ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. Complete set, 1994. The entire internet, in book form, slightly out of date. Volume 12 has a coffee ring. Great for winning arguments before Google existed. Will not fit in your car. Bring a truck and a strong back.
📞 813-555-0167

REAL -- FAMILY

BRANDON CROSSROADS BOWL. It's going to hit 94 degrees today. 40 lanes of air conditioning says otherwise. Kids bowl free all summer, full pub for the adults, great food for everyone. When the backyard gets too hot, this is the play.
brandoncrossroadsbowl.com

REAL -- PROFESSIONAL

K&D LAW. Immigration and personal injury, all in one place. Attorney Kou Jacobo serves families East of Tampa who need real legal help. Not a billboard, not a call center. A real attorney who answers the phone and knows your name.
kanddlaw.com | 786-496-2918

FOR SALE

BEANIE BABIES. Complete collection, tags on, cases sealed. Was promised these would pay for a house. The kid I saved them for is 31 and renting. Taking any reasonable offer. Or unreasonable. I'm not proud anymore.
📞 813-555-0174

REAL -- SERVICES

CLEAN ICE LLC. Restaurant and bar owners: your ice machine is running hard today and you have not thought about it once. Torone Samuels has. Cleaning, sanitizing, and maintenance across Tampa Bay before a health inspector finds what you've been ignoring.
cleanyourice.com | 786-933-5947

REAL -- APPAREL

FITDADBOD APPAREL. Manning the grill today? Look the part. Local brand built for military veterans and dads who put in the work. Real mission, real people. Wear it proud.
fitparentbod-apparel.com

FOR SALE

DIAL-UP MODEM. 14.4k. Hear that sound? That's the sound of the future. Ties up the phone line for hours. Your mom will yell. Worth it. Comes with 4,000 free AOL hours we will never use.
📞 813-555-0122

REAL -- REAL ESTATE

MADISON PATRON, FRG Tampa. Former local teacher. Knows every street East of Tampa, knows the market, knows the neighbors, and answers her phone. Even today.
Book a call | 813-955-9092

REAL -- HOME & PROPERTY

GAINES CONSTRUCTION RENTALS. Got a project this weekend while you have extra hands around? Don't buy equipment you'll use once. Gaines rents construction equipment to locals. The stuff you actually need to get work done without a trip to Home Depot and a purchase you'll regret.
gainesrentals.com | 813-322-2668

FOR SALE

SLIP N SLIDE. Used twice. Yellowed. The kind of thing that seemed fun until someone hit the sprinkler head. Still faster than anything the kids have now. Minor bloodstains add character. $10.
📞 813-555-0188

REAL -- SERVICES

RIVERVIEW TOWING. Everyone's on the road this weekend, and that's exactly when something goes wrong with the car. Family owned and operated. Stuck on 301 on your way to or from a cookout? A real person who cares about their name shows up.
riverviewfltowing.com | 813-405-5973

REAL -- CELEBRATIONS

HITCHED BY HENDRIX. Somebody at a cookout today is getting engaged. Statistically, it's happening East of Tampa right now. Sharon Hendrix is a veteran officiant, fully mobile, every ceremony built around the couple. Send this to whoever needs it.
hitchedbyhendrix.com

FOR SALE

CROSS TRAINER SNEAKERS. Men's size 11. Light up when you walk, which was cool in 1995 and is now a medical concern. Worn once for a school dance. Selling because I peaked that night and it's been downhill since.
📞 813-555-0193

REAL -- HOME & PROPERTY

IVY PLUMBING. Something always breaks on a holiday. Neither Ivy Plumbing nor your guests care that it's the Fourth. Licensed, local, and they will not quote you one number and bill you another. Emergencies welcome today.
ivyplumbingservices.com | 813-590-1443

REAL -- SENIOR CARE

VHIN CARES. If family is in town this weekend and the senior living conversation finally comes up, VHIN Cares works with East of Tampa families through exactly that. When the conversation gets hard, they make it easier.
vhincares.com | 813-678-2363

FOR SALE

ONE (1) FANNY PACK. Neon. Holds a Walkman, a pager, and your entire sense of self-worth. Zipper mostly works. This is coming back in style and I want to be ahead of it this time.
📞 813-555-0165

REAL -- SERVICES

H2O DETECTIONS EMERGENCY RESTORATION. If a pipe picks today to fail, because it always picks the worst time, H2O Detections is family owned and moves fast. Water damage doesn't wait for a good time, and neither do they.
h2odetections.com | 941-545-7612

REAL -- HOME & PROPERTY

TAMPA BAY PRO SERVICES. Gregory Dunn does exceptional lawn and property work and actually shows up when he says he will. That second part is rarer than it should be. If your yard needs to look like you have your life together before family arrives, find him on GreenPal.
yourgreenpal.com/gregory-dunn | 813-770-8721

FOR SALE

POGS. Shoebox full. Including 3 slammers and one metal one that got me banned from the lunch table. Entire economy of my fourth grade year. Taking offers. Will not accept other Pogs as payment. I'm out of the game.
📞 813-555-0179

REAL -- SERVICES

MAID PURE CLEANING. Tomorrow your house is going to look like a small riot happened. Dionne Cona built Maid Pure the right way. Former teacher, FishHawk to Apollo Beach, eco-friendly, insured, bonded. Book the cleanup now so you're not staring at it Sunday.
maidpurecleaningservices.com | 813-670-2004

A WORD FROM YOUR NEIGHBOR

TEAM PLUMSTEAD REAL ESTATE. Danielle raised four boys here, and is the president of the FishHawk Spartans. If the summer has you thinking about more space or a different neighborhood, she'll tell you straight what your home is worth. No pressure, no runaround.
teamplumstead.com | 719-237-2398

THIS WEEKEND - LAST CALL

BRANDON'S 4TH OF JULY PARADE AND FESTIVAL. Today, parade at 10:00 AM. Hillsborough County Fairgrounds, 215 Sydney Washer Road, Dover. Yes, Dover. That's correct. Chili cook-off, watermelon-eating contest, games all afternoon.
Get details

PLANT CITY FIREWORKS. Today, 5:00 PM, fireworks at 9:15 PM. Plant City Stadium. Alcohol-free, $5 cash per car.
Get details

LIBERTY BY THE BAY. Today, 4:00 PM to 9:30 PM. Julian B. Lane Park, Tampa. 250-drone show plus fireworks for America's 250th. The big one.
Get details

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That's the board.

Now close the laptop, find your people, and go watch something explode in the sky. America's 250 today. That's worth showing up for.

See you Tuesday.

-John
The East of Tampa Guy