EAST OF TAMPA — SATURDAY EDITION — Local Board

Good morning, neighbors ☀️

We're doing something different today.

No algorithm. No trending audio. No "link in bio." Just the Saturday paper — the way it was before you had to doomscroll to find out what was happening in your own neighborhood.

Grab your coffee. Read the classifieds. Check Ask John. Don't skip the funnies.

We'll see you Tuesday. The internet will still be there.

— East of Tampa Est. 2026. Printed on zero paper.

═══════════════════════════════════════

EAST OF TAMPA • SATURDAY CLASSIFIEDS

Brandon • Riverview • FishHawk • Apollo Beach • Lithia
Saturday, June 14, 2026 • Vol. 21
"All the news that's fit to forward to your mom"
═══════════════════════════════════════

SWIM INSTRUCTOR — Local swim school seeks patient adult who enjoys children + being wet. No exp nec. Will train. $15–18/hr. Flexible hrs. Riverview. Calling all former lifeguards, college kids, and anyone who peaked at the pool. Apply: watermelonswim.com/careers

FRONT DESK — Same swim school. Must smile. Must answer phones. Must not lose your mind when Karen calls to reschedule for the 4th time. Base + commission. Outgoing types only. Riverview. Apply: watermelonswim.com/careers

DOG LOVER NEEDED — Riverview dog boarding + daycare seeks pet care specialist. $14–15/hr. Paid training. Health ins. Shifts available. Every single shift ends with tail wags. This is not a metaphor. Apply: indeed.com/q-canine-cabana-l-riverview,-fl-jobs.html

RESTORATION TECH — You ever want to be the person who shows up when everything's gone wrong and actually fixes it? That's this job. Water + fire damage restoration. Paid training. SERVPRO, Brandon/Riverview. Apply: servpro.com/locations/fl/servpro-of-brandon-north-riverview/careers

SHIFT LEAD — PIZZA — Local pizza joint. Lead the team. Run the shift. Eat the cheesecake stromboli. QSR background preferred. No mgmt exp req'd. Real path up for people who show up. Valrico. Apply: indeed.com/cmp/Stoner's-Pizza-Joint/jobs

HORSE CARETAKER — YMCA equestrian facility. Feed horses. Clean stable. Repeat. $14/hr+. Must be 16+. Must be okay with horses. Horses do not negotiate. Riverview. Apply: indeed.com/q-camp-cristina-l-riverview,-fl-jobs.html

SUMMER CAMP STAFF — Cedarkirk Camp, Lithia. Counselors, lifeguards, leadership. Seasonal. Kids remember good counselors for the rest of their lives. The bad ones too, honestly. Apply: cedarkirk.org/summer-camp/summer-staff

IN-HOME CAREGIVER / CNA — East Hillsborough. Mornings, evenings, overnights. HHA cert or CNA license req'd. Meaningful work that doesn't feel like work. Apply: indeed.com/q-Family-First-Homecare-l-Florida-jobs.html

HOUSE CLEANING — Former teacher and mom of four spent 20 years hiring cleaning companies that let her down. So she built the one she always wanted. Eco-friendly. Insured + bonded. FishHawk, Lithia, Riverview, Brandon, Valrico, Apollo Beach. Call Dionne. She actually shows up. (813) 670-2004 • maidpurecleaningservices.com

ROOFING — PUT DOWN THE CHECKBOOK — Shingles drying out? Don't replace. Rejuvenate. Plant-based treatment adds 5–10 yrs of roof life. Cost: fraction of replacement. Honesty policy: if you actually need a new roof, we'll say so. Free insp. Hillsborough Co. roofrejuvenatesh.com • (813) 652-2777

EQUIPMENT FOR RENT — Excavators. Skid steers. Boom lifts. Dump trailers. Day/wk/mo. Delivery avail. Veteran + family owned. Located Riverview off Rhodine Rd. We are not Home Depot. You will not wait 45 min for help. (813) 322-2668 • gainesrentals.com

TOWING — 24/7 — REAL HUMAN ANSWERS — Call us and the driver picks up. Not a menu. Not "press 2 for roadside." The actual guy in the actual truck, telling you exactly when he's there. Also: will check your insurance first. Tow may be free. Don't say we didn't tell you. (813) 405-5973 • riverviewfltowing.com

WATER DAMAGE + LEAK DETECTION — H2O Detections. Finds the leak without demolishing your walls. Thermal imaging, sonar, infrared. Then fixes it. Start to finish. Free estimates. Veteran discount. Hurricane season started June 1. This is not a drill. 941-545-7612 • h2odetections.com

LAWN CARE — Tampa Bay Pro Services. Your yard. Mowed, edged, pressure washed, cleaned up. All of East Hillsborough. The yard you've been meaning to get to since March. (813) 770-8721

PLUMBING — Ivy Plumbing. Licensed. Local. Will not quote you one number and bill you another. All of East Hillsborough. Emergencies welcome. www.ivyplumbingservices.com • (813) 590-1443

SEAWALL — Integrity Seawalls. Installation, construction, repair. Apollo Beach, Brandon, Sarasota, St. Pete. If you live on the water, you already know what a failing seawall costs. Free estimates. www.integrityseawalls.com • (813) 535-1634

ICE MACHINE CLEANING — Clean Ice LLC. Commercial. Sanitize + maintain. If you haven't thought about what's living in your ice machine, this is the sign. All Tampa Bay. www.cleanyourice.com • 786-553-5947

JUNK REMOVAL — Trinity Junk Removal. The garage has been "getting cleaned out" since 2022. Call it. Riverview crew. Same-day. 850+ five-star reviews. They donate + recycle instead of landfill. At least something good comes from all that junk. (813) 426-9257 • trinityjunkremovalinc.net

PIZZA — Fresh daily dough. NY-style. Garlic knots. Cheesecake stromboli. Bloomingdale. People drive across town for this. You live here. stonerspizzajoint.com

BOWLING + SUMMER DEAL — 40 lanes. Full pub + grill. Kids Bowl Free all summer (2 free games/wkday, pay for shoes only). Brandon. kidsbowlfree.com

LIVING ART — Bonsai trees + Intro to Bonsai classes from a retired firefighter who has been growing them in Thonotosassa for years. Father's Day is 9 days out. A bonsai becomes part of his morning coffee routine for the next decade. A tie does not. Mon–Sat 9–4, Sun 12+. (813) 502-5940 • artisansbonsai.com

APPAREL — "For the men and women of the struggle: parenthood / gym lifestyle." $28. Local. Veteran-owned. Ships before Father's Day if you order this weekend. fitparentbod-apparel.com/products/veteran-mission

HOMES — LOCAL EXPERT — Madison Patron, Keller Williams Suburban Tampa. Valrico-based. Twin mom. Law enforcement wife. Knows East Hillsborough street by street. Buying, selling, or just Zillow-spiraling at midnight. She doesn't judge. (813) 955-9092 • madison-patron.kw.com

IMMIGRATION LAW — One wrong form. One missed deadline. Years lost. Attorney Kou Jacobo, Esq. has traveled state to state defending detained immigrants and won asylum cases at the Texas border. K&D Law. Virtual practice. Visas, green cards, deportation defense, family petitions, personal injury. (786) 475-3163 • kanddlaw.com

FAMILY LAW + PERSONAL INJURY — 30+ years in Tampa Bay. Divorce, custody, alimony, accidents. Free consultations. The right attorney changes everything. Brandon. (813) 854-1234 • glaroslaw.com

ASSISTED LIVING — ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE HOME — Three family-owned residential homes in Brandon + Valrico. Real home cooking. 24/7 caregivers. Personalized care. Not a facility. A family. Under $3,000/mo. Vhin Cares. (813) 678-2363 • vhincares.com

OFFICIANT — Army veteran. Builds your ceremony around your story, not a laminated script. Comes to you wherever the day takes place. Backyard, beach, barn, boat. We do not recommend the boat, but we support you. (813) 384-7549 • hitchedbyhendrix.com

LIVE MUSIC — FuseBox at Raccoon's Bar + Grill. TONIGHT, 9:30PM. 3240 Lithia Pinecrest Rd, Valrico. Free admission. Loud. This is the night out you've been "meaning to have" since April.

WEEKLY EVENTS — Boulevard Supper Club, FishHawk. Music bingo, trivia, karaoke, ladies' night. Wine + Locker Club events for members. 15260 FishHawk Blvd, Lithia • blvdsupperclub.com

1,000,000 NEIGHBORS ARE READING THIS. If your business should be in here, reply to this email. We write the ad. You get the eyeballs. East Hillsborough's only hyperlocal paper. 5,000+ subscribers. Est. 2026.

Each week, a neighbor writes in. John answers. Occasionally correctly.

Dear John, My husband has not cleaned out the garage in four years. He says he "needs" all of it. Last week I found a broken leaf blower from 2009 and a bag of golf tees. No golf clubs. Just tees. What do I do? — Drowning in Drywall, Valrico

Dear Drowning, The leaf blower and the golf tees are symptoms. The disease is the belief that he will "get to it." He will not get to it. Call Trinity Junk Removal. Do it while he's at Lowe's buying more things he doesn't need. (813) 426-9257. You're welcome. — John

Dear John, My neighbor's tree is hanging over my fence and dropping branches in my yard every time there's a storm. I've mentioned it. He nods. Nothing happens. It's been two years. — One Branch Away, Riverview

Dear One Branch Away, Two years is very patient. The nod is a diplomatic move that means nothing. Bring cookies. Say it's your fault for not asking sooner. Then ask directly for a specific date. If the date passes, call Joe's Tree Service yourself and send him the receipt. (813) 462-4910. — John

Dear John, Father's Day is in 9 days and I have absolutely nothing. Is it too late? — Panicking in Plant City

Dear Panicking, No. Order FitDadBod before Sunday. Buy a bonsai at Artisans Bonsai for the dad who has everything. Order Stoner's Pizza instead of fighting for a brunch table. Take him bowling at Brandon Crossroads Bowl. All of this is still available to you. Breathe. — John

(P.S. If you're the dad writing this about yourself — you're on your own.)

Have a question for John? Hit reply. He reads everything. Questions may be edited for length. All advice is free and worth exactly that.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
▌▌ THE FUNNIES ▌▌

John